I just threw up on my dentist
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
