I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
