Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
