mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
