mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
