mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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