Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
