honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
