Im at strip club and am horny
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
