i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
