why didn't you poke me back
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
