Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize