My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
