and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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