Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My vagina just recognized that song.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
