My hand turned me down
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
