hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
