from now on my penis is your penis
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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