My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
