I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
