my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Terrible idea I love it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize