I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
