apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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