How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
