im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Semen is not good for contacts.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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