beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
