that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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