my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
