just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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