Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
