I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
