she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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