I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
