even my farts smell like vagina
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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