i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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