I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
