there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
