i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
