I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
