I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
