I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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