so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
