one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
