Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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