I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
