I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
