i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
