So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
