Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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