bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
