Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
